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Like riding a bike

12 Apr

My period is late.  Like a LOT late.  I’m not pregnant.  I know this.  Not only is the timing of things wrong but I’ve taken a pregnancy test.  I know I’m not pregnant AND I’M GLAD.  Mostly.

We’re still on the fence with #3.  There are days when I can’t imagine adding more chaos to our lives and days when I can’t imagine not giving birth again or nursing a new baby or rubbing my cheeks on fluffy baby hair.  But when I look deep into myself I really can see being happy with just the four of us.  Todd would be more than thrilled with keeping things they way they are and on most days, I would too.  I just don’t know.

But I digress.

I spoke to my OB’s nurse yesterday about this missing period thing and asked if there was anything I should do.  I was taken aback when she called me with the instructions to come in for a pregnancy test. “Taken aback” is the world’s biggest understatement, FYI.  I agreed and told her I’d be in something in the morning and hung up the phone.  After taking a few minutes to process what she said I got really, really angry.

My cycles since Finn have been a mess, very unpredictable.  I’m older.  And fatter.  It’s not really a huge surprise.  What was surprising was how I felt this morning when I went into the old clinic/lab.  I knew where to park and which floor and where the lab check in was located.  I knew the protocol with the paperwork and how to exit swiftly and make my way to the elevator with tears streaming down my face.  This morning was so much like all of those other mornings 5 years ago.  Hell, daycare shares the same parking lot as the company where I worked back then.  It was way too surreal and heart wrenching.  Especially for someone who doesn’t even know if she wants to go through this all again.

I suspect I’ll get a phone call tomorrow morning (or maybe even tonight) with negative results.  They’ll offer to call in a prescription for some progesterone to kick start my period.  Do I want to investigate what’s going on with my body and go in for CD3 bloodwork?  Or just let sleeping dogs lie and deal with the unpredictability of my body?

The mean reds

1 Feb

Holly Golightly: You know those days when you get the mean reds?
Paul Varjak: The mean reds, you mean like the blues?
Holly Golightly: No. The blues are because you’re getting fat and maybe it’s been raining too long, you’re just sad that’s all. The mean reds are horrible. Suddenly you’re afraid and you don’t know what you’re afraid of. Do you ever get that feeling?
Paul Varjak: Sure.
Holly Golightly: Well, when I get it the only thing that does any good is to jump in a cab and go to Tiffany’s. Calms me down right away. The quietness and the proud look of it; nothing very bad could happen to you there. If I could find a real-life place that’d make me feel like Tiffany’s, then – then I’d buy some furniture and give the cat a name!

I’m in the throws of the mean reds right now. Anxiety without really knowing why. Or maybe knowing why but not really sure how to fix it. I’m floundering and I have no direction. Everything is a work in progress but there isn’t any progress being made.

10 on Tuesday

1 Feb

Yikes – this was saved as a draft from 12/6. Oops.

1. Today is St. Nicholas day. The kids were delighted with their present filled shoes this morning. The umbrellas were the run away hit. I’m certain that means the rain is all going to stop.
2. I’m burned out. On everything. Yes, it might be the time of year or the gloomy weather we’ve been having but I’m tired, I feel like I’m without direction and I don’t know what to do about it.
3. I have mixed emotions about Christmas this year. We’re not traveling (yay!) but we’ll be spending our first holiday without any other family (boo!). I want to start some kind of family tradition but I’m not exactly sure what to do yet.
4. I’m still overthinking baby #3. I’m obsessed. I need to accept that there isn’t a right/wrong answer and a decision date is static. And I can change my mind. This is hard for me.
5. Finn is seriously the cutest guy ever. His belly is delicious and he’s at that age where everything that comes out of his mouth is hilarious. He’s still in full on separation anxiety mode and that’s hard. We had a good week of school drop offs and a good morning today but it comes and goes.
6. Audrey is waffling between utter sweetness and demonic possession. Almost 4 is hard, y’all! She is in turn so empathetic, helpful, selfish and deaf. I love how she loves but man, her stubbornness is a killer.
7. There’s some exciting house possibility stuff on the horizon that I’ll write more about later.
8. Nana and Bapi were here for Thanksgiving. I love how the kids just pick right up with them as if it hasn’t been months since we last saw them. I know it makes them feel good too. We had a wonderful visit of building bears, going to the zoo, farmer’s market and general hanging out. Todd and I even got a date night out of the deal!
9. I want to go back to Disney. We got our photopass CD in the mail last week and I can’t help but long for another visit. I still need to write about the trip. Soon?
10. Finn is 2! Another post I need to get to. The firetruck party was a blast for him. I can’t believe he’s 2. The days are long but the years fly by, no?

Cha-cha-changes…

21 Jun

I started to write this a week ago. I can’t wait until things settle down a bit!

Our house has been sold and we’ve moved into temporary housing until we can close on our new house. The condo is not awesome but it’s just for for another couple of weeks week. The kids are doing surprisingly well given how tense the grownups have been. I don’t remember the house buying process being so complicated last time. I’ve spent hours on the phone requesting letters from seemingly every single credit card company/bank in the world telling our lender that I don’t owe them any money. It’s crazy!

Speaking of crazy, work is finally settling down. Last week was a board meeting, an executive seminar and a golf tournament. My in box is out of control right now – I’m looking forward to getting that all straightened out.

Right now, the light at the end of the tunnel is a trip to Disney in October. We have to go to Miami for a wedding in the middle of the month so we figured that we might as well add a few extra days onto the trip since F will be free and we’re already buying plane tickets. If you want to read some crazy check out the Dis Boards (.com). Who knew vacation planning was so overwhelming?! I’m so excited for A – she’s going to flip. She’s very into the whole princess thing right now – we watched Sleeping Beauty the other night and she’s hooked.

In other news we had our first trip to the ER. A stuffed a bead up her nose and we couldn’t get it out. We hit the pediatrician first hoping they might be able to help but we were shuffled over to the children’s hospital in pretty short order. The waiting wasn’t so bad but I hate how stressed she was about the whole thing. They had to give her a sedative to calm her down. I’ve never heard her scream like that before. It didn’t take long once they got us into a room and everyone was fantastic to deal with. I’m thankful that we were there for something as benign as a bead up the nose as opposed to something far more serious.

A day (actually 3 months ish) late.

3 Feb

This blog post by Nerdy Apple Bottom went viral back in November.  I laughed, I cried and it got my brain moving (which really is a feat these days).

I love that Boo dressed as Daphne and I commend Nerdy Apple for encouraging her son to be the boy he wants to be.  Had I seen him enter into school in his costume I would have been utterly charmed and would have high fived his mother on my way in. 

Her post struck so many chords with me.  Maybe because my little boy has a big sister and he really digs all of her things.  His “lovey” is a pink blanket that MM never really cared for. 

Of course, he’s still a baby but he really, really loves that blanket.  Like a lot.  Do I need to worry about him dragging that sucker into school and listening to a rude mom make a snarky comment?  I certainly hope  not.

Generally speaking, MM is all girl.  Her hobbies include walking around the house looking for “princess stuff”.  Princess stuff can be anything from plastic dress up shoes to a pink ribbon to a purple bouncy ball.  Pretty much whatever strikes her fancy.  She loves pink and purple and anything that sparkles (much like a magpie).  I fully expected my girlie to want to be a ballerina or a princess or something along those likes for Halloween but she surprised me when she said she wanted a Batman costume.  Pink Batman.

Forgive the awful picture. 

When we walked into school she saw her friends in their princess atire and I felt her hesitate.  She was starting to feel self conscious and I wasn’t quite sure what to do.  It seems like not quite 3 is so, so young to have to worry about self esteem but that’s the world we live in.  I gave her a huge hug and told her I loved her.  I reminded her that Grandma made her costume and that she was going to have so much fun at the school party.  Apparently that was enough to get her through her hesitation because she took off and played with her friends and  seemingly didn’t give her lack of princessness another thought. 

I tried (and am still trying) to be thoughtful about gender issues.  Having one of each gender makes it both easier and harder, especially since they’re close in age and are still developing their personalities.  When MM was our only we conscientiously purchased toys for her that would appeal to “boys” and “girls”.  She has baby dolls and trucks and a non-pink kitchen and enough blocks to construct her own private superdome.  As she’s gotten older she shows a clear preference for “girl” things.  And blocks.  But mostly “girl” stuff.

And so does MC.  Don’t get me wrong, he’ll pick up a truck and make cute little “vroom” sound effects but at the ripe old age of 14 months he’ll grab for the pink and shiny over blue and manly time and time again.  Will that change over time?  I don’t know.  I personally don’t care if he grows up and wants butterflies stenciled on his walls but my heart hurt thinking about how much harder his path through life will be.  The pain I felt watching MM’s little lip start to quiver when I took her to school in her Batman costume was hard.  It hit me then that as my children grow the issues we face will only get harder and more complicated.  The joy will increase but so will the sorrow. 

As lovely as it would be to keep them as babies forever…

That explains everything!

9 Dec

This week has been hell. My frustration level has shot through the roof and I’m ashamed of how I’ve been handling myself with the kids. Especially MC. He’s one. There’s no reason in the world why I should be raising my voice at him the way I have been. My heart aches thinking about the anger I’ve been feeling while he’s been whining.

Monday night was awful. MC was awake from 12:30 – 4:30 am. I came to work on Tuesday more tired than I’ve been ever in my life. Tuesday night was a little better – only up from 2:00 – 4:00. Last night I just let him nurse as long/often as he wanted. It wasn’t as painful as it had been earlier in the week.

I got my period today.

I’m assuming that has everything to do with the whining/screaming (milk supply probably dropped), my inability to cope with his frustration and my general discontent with everything life has to offer. I was so afraid I was slipping back into the bowels of hell (PPD) I considered calling my doctor to get back on the meds.

We’ll see how next cycle goes. Now that I know what to watch out for I can be better prepared to deal with it.

Affordability

2 Dec

You know what I hate? I hate that I got my first postpardum period. You know why? Because now I need to decide: do we want a 3rd baby or not.

We got lucky with MC. I charted the three cycles I had after MM was born and bam! Urban legend city. Two under two. Buy one, get one. I’m not naive enough to believe that can/will happen again.

What if it takes two years like it did with MM? I’m 35. Can I afford to wait until MC is 2 to start trying again? Am I prepared to be a pregnant 38 year old? Advanced maternal age and all of the potential risks involved with it? Am I prepared to start trying NOW and possibly end up with 3 under 3? I can’t afford daycare for three little ones and I can’t afford the mental anguish of quitting my part time job and staying home full time.

Hell, I’m not entirely on board with having three kids but I’m pissed that I don’t have the luxury of taking my time to think about it. I feel pressure to decide NOW and either get on board with trying to conceive or to get rid of all the baby stuff and be at peace with the family we have. And that family is awesome. Truly. It’s hard to imagine fitting another person into the mix when I feel like we’re finally getting to the point where everyone’s needs are (almost) being met.

But I’m don’t know if I’m ready to be done. Never give birth again. Never nurse another newborn. MC will never be a big brother. I won’t reuse all of the adorable cloth diapers I invested in 😛

Being a grown up is hard.

I’m painfully aware of how fortunate I am to even be in the position to consider a third baby.