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Magic

21 May

Today was pure magic. After six long weeks of Todd communting to Dallas for his new job, he’s home. Just knowing that he’s not leaving tonight has made the day brighter. We went out to dinner last night then to a nearby bar to haveall some drinks. After 278574839 glasses of wincase came home to find the kids asleep in Audrey’s bed. My heart about exploded.

It didn’t last all night, sadly. Finn woke up around 3 am and was looking for me. I woke up and felt surprisingly sober given my state before I went to bed. We woke up for the day at 6:30 and I wasn’t hungover at all!

Todd took the kids to the splash park and I lounged in bed, read a little and went back to sleep. They came home, had lunch and Finn napped. He woke up in a great mood and we all did puzzles and play dough for the rest of the afternoon.  It was such a sweet, easy, relaxing day.

Im neatening up the house while they’re burning energy at the splash park again. I feel such a sense of peace which is a stark contrast to how I’ve felt the past 2 months. It’s lovely.

Done

17 Apr

I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about having another baby.  (As if that isn’t totally obvious)  All of the reasons on my “Let’s do it!” list are things that I wanted to do with my other babies that I didn’t get to do (home birth, cloth diaper from the beginning, etc).  I LOVE babies.  I will always love babies.  I could probably have 17 babies and I will likely still have pangs in my ovaries when I see another new baby.  That is not a good reason to reproduce though.

Our life is fantastic with the two children we have.  They are a delightful mess and we are already bursting at the seams in our little house.  Yes, that will get better once the work is done on the house but still, I am bursting at the seams.  We don’t have family nearby – maybe our story would be different if we did.  We have to travel a great distance to visit anyone and dude, that’s a small fortune with 4.  5 would be over the top.  

I’m looking at this in a positive light.  I can move on now.  I can get rid of the baby stuff.  Clean out all of the bins of clothing and only keep the favorites.  Sell the stroller.  Let it go. 

It feels better than I thought it would.  It helps to have the sweetest pair of kids alive.  

And just like that…

12 Apr

My period started.  Gah.

Like riding a bike

12 Apr

My period is late.  Like a LOT late.  I’m not pregnant.  I know this.  Not only is the timing of things wrong but I’ve taken a pregnancy test.  I know I’m not pregnant AND I’M GLAD.  Mostly.

We’re still on the fence with #3.  There are days when I can’t imagine adding more chaos to our lives and days when I can’t imagine not giving birth again or nursing a new baby or rubbing my cheeks on fluffy baby hair.  But when I look deep into myself I really can see being happy with just the four of us.  Todd would be more than thrilled with keeping things they way they are and on most days, I would too.  I just don’t know.

But I digress.

I spoke to my OB’s nurse yesterday about this missing period thing and asked if there was anything I should do.  I was taken aback when she called me with the instructions to come in for a pregnancy test. “Taken aback” is the world’s biggest understatement, FYI.  I agreed and told her I’d be in something in the morning and hung up the phone.  After taking a few minutes to process what she said I got really, really angry.

My cycles since Finn have been a mess, very unpredictable.  I’m older.  And fatter.  It’s not really a huge surprise.  What was surprising was how I felt this morning when I went into the old clinic/lab.  I knew where to park and which floor and where the lab check in was located.  I knew the protocol with the paperwork and how to exit swiftly and make my way to the elevator with tears streaming down my face.  This morning was so much like all of those other mornings 5 years ago.  Hell, daycare shares the same parking lot as the company where I worked back then.  It was way too surreal and heart wrenching.  Especially for someone who doesn’t even know if she wants to go through this all again.

I suspect I’ll get a phone call tomorrow morning (or maybe even tonight) with negative results.  They’ll offer to call in a prescription for some progesterone to kick start my period.  Do I want to investigate what’s going on with my body and go in for CD3 bloodwork?  Or just let sleeping dogs lie and deal with the unpredictability of my body?

Resolutions

31 Jan

I have a few resolutions this year. 

1. I want to document more.  I haven’t been keeping up with the kids’ baby books.  I want to learn to use my camera better.  I’ve taken a class on the photography bit of my resolution and it’s making more sense to me but I’m struggling.  It’s not clicking (ha ha) yet but I’m hoping with practice (and a new lens) that it comes together soon.  I got down Audrey’s book yesterday and wrote a few things.  I’m collecting photos and artwork.  I’m doing it.

2. Like everyone, I want to get in better shape.  This past year has been BAD.  I weigh more than I ever have and feel awful about myself.  I’m taking my first Modern Fit class tomorrow night – I’m nervous and excited.  10 years ago I would have rocked this class, no problem.  My body isn’t anywhere near where it used to be but I hope it’s a step in the right direction.

3. Simplification.  Our house is a disaster right now.  The post birthday-Christmas-birthday fallout is upon us and there are toys and crafts and dress up clothes as far as the eye can see.  That’s not counting the adult clutter which is also taking up a lot of space.  I want the clutter gone.  I want the things and people in our lives to be meaningful.  This is hard. 

Saturday mornings

5 Nov

Every Saturday morning Audrey and I drive the 5 minutes it takes to get into the cityfor her ballet lesson. I adore getting her dressed in her pink ballet clothes and tights and fixing her hair. It takes me back to my childhood and I remember my mother doing the same thing to me.

After lessons we walk across the street to the farmers market. We have our routine. First fancy lemonade then a breakfast taco and a treat – usually a brownie for her. We sit on the patio and listen to music while we eat. She runs around, dancing to the music, snacking between songs. She always saves half of her brownie for her brother, even though he’s with Daddy doing boy things.

My heart is full. These mornings are everything I dreamed of and make the struggle to get here hardly worth mentioning.

Quick post (because I want to win a Keurig :)

8 Sep

Check out this giveaway!

I’ve been wanting a Keurig for a loooong time.

I need to blog more. Once things settle down at work I have a bunch of things to document.