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19 Dec

God, I love my baby (both of them!) so much. MM was still napping, MC woke from his nap and was so sweet and happy. I sat down on the floor with him and we rolled a ball back and forth for a bit. At one point he got so excited – squealing, clapping, giggling and he crawled over to me and climbed into my lap. My heart sang. My eyes filled with tears as I held him close to me.

I flashed back to those awful nights filled with both of us crying. The moments where my patience was worn thin. He deserves better, this sweet boy of mine. He deserves a mama that is happy, whole and present in his life. I need to take better care of myself – nap when I can until he’s sleeping more instead of staying up late. Maybe give my therapist a call again. Get a babysitter more frequently so Daddy and I can work on ourselves.

For him.


That explains everything!

9 Dec

This week has been hell. My frustration level has shot through the roof and I’m ashamed of how I’ve been handling myself with the kids. Especially MC. He’s one. There’s no reason in the world why I should be raising my voice at him the way I have been. My heart aches thinking about the anger I’ve been feeling while he’s been whining.

Monday night was awful. MC was awake from 12:30 – 4:30 am. I came to work on Tuesday more tired than I’ve been ever in my life. Tuesday night was a little better – only up from 2:00 – 4:00. Last night I just let him nurse as long/often as he wanted. It wasn’t as painful as it had been earlier in the week.

I got my period today.

I’m assuming that has everything to do with the whining/screaming (milk supply probably dropped), my inability to cope with his frustration and my general discontent with everything life has to offer. I was so afraid I was slipping back into the bowels of hell (PPD) I considered calling my doctor to get back on the meds.

We’ll see how next cycle goes. Now that I know what to watch out for I can be better prepared to deal with it.

MC’s birth story

18 Nov

With his impending first birthday and This Post from Baby Rabies I’ve been spending a fair amount of time thinking about the day he was born.

MC was born on Saturday, November 28. Just a couple of days after Thanksgiving. I joked with the midwives that they could be sure that I’d start active labor just as soon as they sat down with a big ol’ plate of turkey.

My biggest worry was MM, of course. I went into labor with her in the middle of the night and assumed that the same thing would happen with MC. Who would we call to stay with her? How scared would she be if she woke up and Mama & Daddy weren’t there. The only acceptable solution I could come up with was to have my sister come out a couple of days before my EDD (just in case. I never expected to go early or even on time. We just don’t do that in my family.). My sister works but gets a nice break for Thanksgiving. My MIL planned to arrive the day she was supposed to leave in the event I went overdue. Problem solved. In my mind, the ideal scenario would be to have the baby a couple of days after Michele (my sister) arrive so MM would have chance to get to know her. Michele (and her youngest boy) arrived on Thanksgiving Thursday, MC was born on Saturday. He was very accommodating.

Prior to is birth our morning routine consisted of MM waking up then coming downstairs to eat breakfast on my lap in my bed while we watching an episode of Curious George or Sesame Street. Disrupting this was my biggest worry when it came to having a baby. I *loved* that time with her. She snuggled so sweetly and we would chat about things. It was precious time to me.

I had some pretty strong contractions Friday night and figured something was going to happen soon. I attempted to get a good nights sleep but anyone who has ever been pregnant knows what that’s like. I woke up (for good) Saturday morning aroun 6 am and things were moving. MM came down and had her usual breakfast on my lap. I don’t remember what we talked about buy by around 7:30 am I couldn’t sit with her on my lap anymore. I remember knowing that that was our last breakfast, just the two of us. I sent Dad out of the room so I could soak in her baby-ness one last time before she morphed into a giant lumbering baby-squishing toddler. I told her that we were going to wake up Aunt Shell soon and that mama and daddy were going to go get her baby. She didn’t care 🙂

I called my midwife around 8 am and told her that I was definitely in labor and that I was going to finish packing my bag and wrap things up at home. We left for the birth center and MM & her aunt and cousin took off for the nature center. We got to the birth center around 9:30. The midwife on call checked me out and then let me get into the tub. MM was posterior and the contractions hurt like a bitch. Luckily I was able to drape myself over the tub in such a way that he was able to descend and turn in the proper direction (again, how accommodating!). We had made arrangements beforehand to have MC’s birth photographed if possible. I texted our photographer to tell her that we were at the birth center. Things progessed very quickly once we got there. She barely made it. Slideshow is here if you’re interested.

MC was born and was perfect. I was dying to get home – I missed MM desperately. We checked out of the birth center around 6 pm and drove home as quickly as we could. I was exhausted and wanted to get into bed right away. I remember climbing in with the baby and MM following me. She climbed up onto the bed too and asked “Mama, do two babies!”. Even today, that means that she wants me to hold both of them together.

My heart burst. Seeing their two heads together made all of the guilt, worry and nerves disintergrate a bit. I’m not saying that it has been easy and that I don’t still feel pangs of guilt for one reason or another but seeing my two babies interact fills my heart over and over again. MM still thinks of MC as “our” baby and she’s fiercely protective of him. MC lights up when he sees his sister’s face. His first word was a bastardized version of her name.

Having two babies 22 months apart hasn’t been easy. My PPD was much harder to deal with. I missed MM so much during the first couple of weeks when MC needed near constant nursing. I was afraid that breastfeeding would be as hard with him as it was with her but luckily it wasn’t. I still tear up multiple times a week when I catch them doing something extra cute or sweet with each other. I barely remember what it was like to only have one. MM doesn’t remember the days when she was my only.

Gah. Should have brought tissues to work today. This stroll down memory lane has totally wrecked me.

Feeling productive

10 Nov

How sad is it that remembering to box up two packages that I’ve been meaning to send out has made me feel like superwoman?

I’ve been in such a funk lately. I feel unproductive, depressed, anxiety ridden and fat. My house is a mess, work stuff is slipping through the crack and I’m hosting Thanksgiving this year. Throw into that MC’s first birthday at the end of this month, MM’s third birthday in the middle of January and the possiblity of buying/selling a house an I’m just about ready to explode.

So yes, I remembered two packages. And I cleared a few items off of my work “to do” list. I’m a flipping rock star!

It’s a vicious cycle. I nurse MC to sleep in my bed. I should move him into the pack N play or crib once he’s asleep but I’m usually too tired to deal with it. I’m too tired to deal with it because I’m overwhelmed with what I should be doing and a little blue. I’m going to try my hardest to get over the hurdle tonight and check on the laundry. Once I can get one thing done it’s usually a snowball effect and I can get a couple more things done. And then go to sleep with a bit of satisfaction. Wish me luck.


21 Oct

I think I might need to get back on my meds.  I have no idea what’s going on with me lately but I feel so much anxiety and tension.

My shoulders and neck are aching.  If I think about specifically relaxing those body parts there’s a notable difference.  I can feel my shoulders creeping back up to my ears as I type.  Unfortunately, I’m not such a great multitasker that I can think about relaxing those muscles while getting on with everything else I need to accomplish for the day.

I think part of it is work related.  2012 is weighing on me – the decision has to be made soon and I’m hesitant to make it because of the potential fallout if the *wrong* decision is made.

I just got out of meeting with my coworkers to discuss the planning meeting next week for 2011.  I know that’s ramped up  my anxiety level.  It’s such a challenge to NOT advocate for our partners (instead of my company) when I sat on their side for so long.  I thought having their perspective would be an asset in my position but in a way it makes things harder because I know how much of a strain some of the things we’re asking for can be.  Too much knowledge isn’t always a good thing.

My dear friend and her kiddo are moving to California next month and I’m devastated.  She has been such a wonderful support system to me and I will miss her dearly.  I know that’s weighing on me, especially because MM is so tight with her little guy.  My two off from work days are typically spent playing with her.  I have done a very poor job expanding my social network but mom friends with similar values are hard to find!  Shoulders tensing up again as I think about this.

MC still isn’t sleeping and something is clearly going on with him.  I didn’t realize how worried I am that he’s delayed until right now.  He’s only 10 months.  It’s perfectly reasonable that he isn’t standing or walking yet but several of the kids in his room at school are.  MM didn’t walk until 13-14 months.  Why am I wasting so much time thinking/worrying about this?  He’s incredibly social and happy and sweet.  He doesn’t say much yet but that’s okay too.  Am I borrowing trouble or is this maternial instinct?  Gah!

My house is a mess.  My dog is out of control.  I have so many things I want to get done and no time to do them.  We want to move to another ‘hood but have too much debt to do anything about it yet.  And we’re not on the same page with our finances.

So yeah.  Might be good to get back.