2 Apr

I watched this week’s episode of Grey’s Anatomy this afternoon. While not a fan of all of the cast members singing the music itself took me way, way back. Like 4-5 years ago. Before kids and right in the thick of trying to get pregnant with A.

Like many infertiles I had a soundtrack. I made my soundtrack when when GA was uberpopular. “Chasing Cars” and “How to Save a Life” were both prominently featured on Grey’s and both were on my CD.

“Would you lie with me and just forget the world.” I remember singing that and driving and driving and crying and driving. Not able to stay at home facing the beautiful house we bought intending to fill with our children. I had to get out, escape. So around and around I drove making the same loop that I would make 2-3 years later in an attempt to get my daughter to sleep.

The scene with Meredith and Derek in the elevator was so familiar to me. I said all of those things and felt that guilt when something terrible happened to a friend (as if I had that kind of power or something). I’m not a fan of Meredith Grey but at that moment I could identify with that character so much that I wonder which one of the writers experienced infertility.

But what really got me was the song that Callie sang at the end. Brandi Carlile – The Story:

All of these lines across my face
Tell you the story of who I am
So many stories of where I’ve been
And how I got to where I am
But these stories don’t mean anything
When you’ve got no one to tell them to
It’s true…I was made for you
I climbed across the mountain tops
Swam all across the ocean blue
I crossed all the lines and I broke all the rules
But baby I broke them all for you
Because even when I was flat broke
You made me feel like a million bucks
You do
I was made for you
You see the smile that’s on my mouth
It’s hiding the words that don’t come out
And all of my friends who think that I’m blessed
They don’t know my head is a mess
No, they don’t know who I really am
And they don’t know what
I’ve been through like you do
And I was made for you…
All of these lines across my face
Tell you the story of who I am
So many stories of where I’ve been
And how I got to where I am
But these stories don’t mean anything
When you’ve got no one to tell them to
It’s true…I was made for you

This was the song I sang to A as I rocked her to sleep. I still sing it to her, it’s our song. It zips me right back to being pregnant with her and rubbing my stomach and praying to God that she would be healthy and that my heart would heal. It was a lot of pressure to put on a baby but holding her tiny body against mine I knew that she saved me.

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2 Responses to “”

  1. mingomama April 2, 2011 at 12:06 pm #

    You have no idea how often your story gives me hope.

    • Mealz April 2, 2011 at 3:34 pm #

      this is one of my favorite songs and now im sitting here crying while reading your blog post. ill explain more later when i see you again (hopefully soon) but thank you so much for posting this. -emilia

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